When Love Learns to Listen.

We have all felt it. Putting out effort that is not matched in return in a relationship. Overgiving. Overloving. Overdoing. The key isn’t those actions themselves; it’s the desire and motivation behind them. If your primary reason for giving is to get something from the other person you are giving to, it is not authentic giving. It could be manipulation or a form of trying to control.

True giving is from the heart and does not require reciprocity. True giving is just you. The way you are. You do it because you want to and it makes you happy. In this circumstance, there isn’t a rule that someone has to give back. Webster defines reciprocity this way: “Reciprocity is a social rule where people feel a strong need to return favors, share help, and trade fairly with others. It means if someone does a good thing for you, you want to do a good thing back.”

Reciprocity in a relationship is the mutual exchange of care, emotional investment, and support. It functions like a dynamic ebb and flow of give and take rather than a strict, transactional tally of favors, where both partners feel equally valued, respected, and fulfilled over time.

This requires both people showing up.

You may not know the love language of the other person, and that’s okay. If you simply do what feels true on your end, then you’ve accomplished your act of giving because you wanted to, not because you needed to.

The motivation is what keeps it pure.

When we give because we need something in return, even if we don’t realize it, the giving becomes tainted.

I have given gifts my entire life and I love doing it.

I love finding out what people like or want and giving from that place. Sometimes I guess, and sometimes it’s a hit or miss. I usually laugh and say, “If you don’t like it, give it away to someone else or donate it.”

Giving has always been easy for me.

Receiving…now that’s another story.

I’ve noticed that people usually seem to be naturally good at one or the other. I’ve tried to find balance between both, but I haven’t always been successful.

Whatever side you lean toward will often reveal hidden themes within yourself that may need some attention.

How does it feel to receive? Do you automatically say no? How does it feel to give? Do you give out of obligation…or because you genuinely want to?

Bottom line…everything in life has a give and receive to it. It just depends on how balanced it is in your life.

You cannot be all receive and no give. You cannot be all give and no receive. Eventually, the balance stops working and creates an imbalance.

I have to watch this in myself. I’m really good at giving.

Time. Knowledge. Things. Love.

What I’m beginning to realize is just how important it is for me to receive too – from the universe, from myself, and from others.

I never saw this lesson more clearly than with a friend recently.

They had mentioned something they wanted, so I went out and bought it for them. I was excited to surprise them because I knew they wanted it.

When I brought it to them, they refused the gift. I was puzzled.

They said, “Yes, I want the gift, but I can’t accept it. I don’t need you to buy me anything to prove you care or love me. Your presence, your love, and your care are enough.”

Well…that was a shock. It really made me stop and think. The way I naturally show love isn’t always the way another person wants to receive it, and just because I want to express love doesn’t mean I don’t need to respect the boundaries someone has shared with me.

I have to admit…I haven’t always been very good at this. Really, not good. I used to think that if my intentions were good and unconditional, then it made it okay. Now I see that isn’t necessarily true. If I truly love someone, I need to respect their wishes.

Even with good intentions, it can still become one-sided if you’re not listening to what the other person is actually asking for.

That isn’t true reciprocity.

So…I listened and I took the gift back.

Sometimes we simply need to listen when another person tells us what they need instead of giving what we think they need – even when our intentions are good.

That was the lesson for me.

So watch the motivations behind what you’re doing.

Are you giving because you genuinely want to…or because somewhere inside you’re hoping to receive something back?

If your giving violates another person’s boundaries or wishes, that’s not loving either.

And if you notice you’re always giving but rarely receiving, ask yourself what that might be trying to teach you.

You may simply need to choose people who have the capacity to reciprocate so your own needs can be met too.

You also have to listen to yourself and to the other person.

That, to me, is true partnership.

Not one-sided.

Just an ongoing ebb and flow of giving and receiving. A single act of giving does not require reciprocity. A healthy long-term relationship does.

It’s a tricky balance… learning how to be a loving human. I’m still learning and always a work in progress…. xoxo

What my heart and mind know now:

• I listen when someone states a boundary.

• I do not assume my intention – or my intuition – overrides another person’s experience.

• I show love by learning about another person, what they need, and how they receive love.

• I can trust what I sense without insisting another person live according to it.

• I can listen and not always speak.

• I give from love, not from need.

• I honor what another person tells me they need.

• I allow love to include restraint.

• Sometimes restraint is how love proves it was listening.

See Clearly. Embody Fully. Love Consciously.