When Love Learns Vulnerability

I think vulnerability starts long before you tell another person what you need. It starts with knowing yourself well enough to admit what you actually want, what scares you, what matters to you, and what helps you feel loved. You cannot ask another person to know you if you are still hiding pieces of yourself from yourself. You must know your own truth, and this comes all the time throughout our life. Life is an ebb and flow and so are we. So that is the first step in how I have learned it.

For a long time, I thought love meant being of service. Being understanding. Being able to go with the flow and not ask for too much. I could give, support, anticipate and make room, but asking felt different. Asking exposed me. It meant admitting that I wanted something from another person and trusting them enough to let them know. I did not have good experiences with this, and with previous relationships, family and friends, I got slammed or hurt when I said something. It made me alter my tactics, and either I tried to work around it or went without speaking to avoid dealing with the fallout. None of those scenarios supported me in getting or receiving love. It also made me bitter, angry, and resentful. It also allowed the other person not to evolve either.

That is where vulnerability gets real. It is one thing to say, “I love you.” It is another to say, “This is what helps me feel loved.” It is one thing to care deeply for someone. It is another to say, “This is where I need you to reach and show up for me too.” Not to make you feel less than, but to give you clarity.

I am learning that being known requires participation. I have to be willing to tell the truth about myself instead of expecting someone else to magically figure it out. Not demanding. Not controlling. Not judging. Just giving them accurate information about who I am, what I need, desire and want, and what matters to me at the current time in my world. Not telling them what they need to change; I can only be responsible for myself and ask.

If you have a history of trauma, mental and emotional abuse, like I did, I tended to be silent and not speak my needs. When I would, I had so much emotion backed up that tears would start, and then I got ridiculed for crying, then I got pissed and angry. None of that was love showing up. Not. One. Bit.

So, one of the hardest parts that I am learning to overcome is speaking and showing someone me.

Asking for things clearly. Getting clarity when I don’t understand. Words can get misunderstood, not spoken correctly, anxiety and fear can come up, and what you say does not always come across very well. This is where patience, compassion and communication are essential. Our past patterning and trauma come rushing to the front line. We get defensive, we spin a story in our minds, we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt, we say things that hurt the other person. We think we know better. None of it helps to solve the issue that has come up.

By speaking I do not mean you talk over, interrupt, bulldoze or, because you’re upset, immediately expect the person you’re trying to be in a relationship with to drop what they are doing to address what has gotten your panties in a ruffle. Nope. The world does not revolve around you, even if you think it does. I try to ask before a slew of words comes out now. I was not always like this; it has taken some effort to unlearn. I tend to bottle things up to protect or support another, and then all the words I have held come rushing out. That is not balanced, it is a flood. People drown in floods. This will take some practice because when we are angry, we tend to do this. Word vomit is what I call it. When you get triggered, your little inner child comes out swinging.

I say things like: “Do you have time to listen?” or “This is going to be a lot of words, do you have capacity?” This helps others feel like they still exist in the scenario and have a say. I also say, “Thank you for your time today, I appreciate you.” Being a nice human while flawed and imperfect helps others to be compassionate with themselves and also with you.

After all this, then stop talking and listen. STOP SAYING WORDS.

Because if I immediately respond, judge, explain it away, answer for them or take it back, I never really gave the other person the chance to meet me there in vulnerability.

This is reciprocity in action.

Vulnerability is not only having the courage to ask. It is leaving enough space to receive the answer, even if it is one you don’t like.

Because THAT will show you where you’re wounded and need to look, right at the part they pricked. But you do not ever learn about yourself or another person if you do not allow for speaking and listening. Silence is not always golden, IMHO, but it does need adulting.

Speaking and listening are required. Courage is required, and showing up is required. What is also required is trust. Trust that you will not take what they have said and use it against them, betray them or hurt them with what they have been vulnerable about.

That is why if people have not shown you that you can trust them, that they have integrity in their world, or shown you how they treat others when shit hits the fan, STOP TALKING WORDS. This only ends up badly, and I have had it happen several times myself. Remember I had the wound of always trying to connect and give. If someone is not vulnerable with you, you know where you are and this will be a choice if you want to keep opening up. Sometimes people do not open because they want to keep all the emotional and mental power. Sometimes people stay closed because vulnerability feels like giving up power. So discernment, reciprocity, and earned access.

So paced vulnerability steps: Connection and discernment first. Trust and reciprocity second. Access is earned to the inner Cin kingdom third.

If you love someone and care that they are in your world, I think all of this is needed. People will show you exactly where you need support or where you need to work. Lessons can be easy or hard.

It is up to you to do it with love. For them and for yourself.