When Love Learns to Express

One of the hardest lessons in my life has been learning and understanding what I want, need and desire. This is a never-ending evolution, and also learning to communicate that with my emotions and my voice while allowing others the same.

These last few months have been rough, which is what happens when you are evolving or growing. You can look at it in a victim way like, “Why is this happening to me?” Or an empowering way, “Why is this happening, what am I missing or seeing, and what is it triggering within me?” And sometimes you cannot figure it out yourself and you have to ask for support, from another person or the universe/God.

Can you feel the difference? One way leads to empowerment, the other leads to weakness.

When I was young, I grew up with a mom who put a smile on her face when underneath she was a simmering pot of anger, bitterness, resentment, jealousy and rage. This oozed out from every pore. Me being the sensitive, intuitive kid, I picked up on this underlying current all the time. I did not have the words to articulate my feelings at that time, and because of the dynamic between us, I bottled up a lot and then it would come rushing out in anger. I really did not like her behavior. I did not like the way she never looked at any of her actions and how they affected other people. She literally did not care or have any self-awareness, and at that point, neither did I, so our relationship was wrought with struggle. I tended not to want to be with her because when I was, she picked me apart, told me everything I was always doing wrong, and it always came with a backpack of guilt and shame.

She would be helpful and show a completely different person to everyone else, but with me she was troubled mentally, emotionally and physically. She never admitted that. I’m not sure even to herself.

She was not receptive to anything I would say and then would act in a passive-aggressive way. She would not hear me, and the more unheard I felt, the more mad I got.

I am not saying that I was not a normal child with all of the behaviors that one has. I was. And to top all that off, I could not articulate what I felt without a lot of anxiety. So anger or silence became my two modes. Neither helped the relationship. We would have moments of love, but there was a lot of pain. She could not teach me what she had not learned yet herself.

When you do not have the ability to self-regulate, which not many of us have been taught, we tend to hold, avoid, block or deny the hard stuff. If we do not know what is affecting us, understand our patterns, or articulate those things to people we love, our relationships suffer and sometimes break apart. None of that is love.

My lack of expression turned into tears whenever I would try to speak without anger behind it. Then I would stuff even more because then I had to deal with the humiliation of that. I would get nervous and my words would come out jumbled and awkward. So my guilt, worthless thoughts and humiliation would compound. Add a huge layer of shame coming from my mother and the recipe was complete.

All of these patterns, emotions and feelings make up who we are and how we have relationships with others. How we are able to articulate and communicate when things are hot, instead of stuffing them, is a learned and ongoing process.

I am learning myself. I’m getting better at expressing when I want things. When I need something emotional or otherwise. I’m asking for clarity. I’m not assuming and trying not to judge. I’m acknowledging myself. Speaking clearly should come after seeing because this really is the next step. It is learning to speak about what upsets you, what bothers you, and what you need in a manner that is respectful to both parties because you love and care about them and want them in your life.

Not with word vomit or drama.

It’s easy to walk away, blame or throw a fit, but it takes courage to show up and talk about the issues. When you do not speak or ask for clarity, no one learns.

How can someone love you if you cannot articulate what you need and want yourself?

Your perception is always coming from you. It is filtered by your history, pride, trauma and shockingly to you, your perception may not be correct. Those you love will prick the wounds, and so will the people you don’t love, don’t think matter, or act like they don’t matter. Everyone is showing you where you can grow and evolve.

It is up to you to self-reflect, understand the triggers and then respond from that place.

Sometimes we need space before we can articulate clearly. Give yourself and others that. Love doesn’t control outcomes even when we want to. It just flows, and sometimes it flows into areas filled with anger and hidden traumas and patterns that need your awareness to be released. You can’t heal what you can’t see.

Be patient with others and yourself as you learn how to speak about what you need and want. This will evolve as you do. Shame, guilt and humiliation are emotions that make you shut down. Patience, compassion and understanding create an opening.

Forgiveness for those who say hurtful or unaware words to you is important too. You may need to put healthy boundaries up. You’re not responsible for another person’s words, but you are responsible for your own. Inside and outside. Love does not mean you are a punching bag, and unconditional love does not mean abuse, people pleasing, ignoring yourself or self-abandonment.

Seeing, speaking and asking are foundational bricks for yourself and also for others, but first you need to be self-aware enough to be honest with yourself. Do you even know yourself?

Can you articulate what you need?

Can you tell another what you want? What makes you happy? 

I have told people many things over my lifetime, some good and some bad, but breaking down in small steps what you want, need and desire for yourself and from another takes adulting and growing yourself up.

No one is responsible for you as an adult. Only you are. Your relationships reflect where you are at in that journey.

Then you can decide if what is in front of you is filling your tank with love or not and speak from that place.

Words are so important for communication. They are the foundation of any relationship.

You can have too many words or not enough, but love learns to speak with clarity, truth, compassion and grace….xo