When Love Shows Up

You would think, working in disaster for so long, I would know how to handle one of my own.

I usually do, but I have taken repeated hits over the last few weeks, and today, another one felt overwhelming. The freaking-out thing has not happened for a bit.

I can handle something for someone else, no problem. Calm, grounded, helpful, action – that is me. If I have an answer, I will support you. If I don’t, I will find someone who can.

Got a problem? I am all over it. Support is my love language. It is how I show you that you matter to me. I do this with anyone I meet. Need something? I will try to make it happen.

Lately, though, this has switched because I have needed all my energy for myself. I was the one who had a need and needed support. I was the one who needed love to show up. Just for me.

Today, I have six people coming to the Inn, and I took a shower this morning. When I got out of the shower, I heard the dreaded sound coming from the sink drain.

Bubble, gurgle, bubble. OH SHIT. Seriously. On this day? And on a SUNDAY?

Yes. My mind immediately went to the worst-case scenarios. I freaked out, and then I immediately went to work. This is a nervous system response. A control one. I grabbed the Kleenex and, while I was still crying, called the septic guy.

Control is often an attempt to get to the ending before life has revealed the middle. I wanted to know immediately: Can it be fixed? Will the guests need refunds? Is the Inn going to collapse in mud? How much will it cost? Is this another sign that nothing I am doing to make my life and myself better is working? Have I made a huge mistake with the decisions I just made? Is the world ending as we know it? Haahahaha.

Your mind tries to answer every unknown with the worst possible answer. That way, you can prepare. You can handle what you can prepare for and see. It is much harder to handle things that you cannot control and that come from an unknown person, place, or thing. This requires trust, and if you have put your trust in those who cannot hold you unless you have all your shit together, you are in trouble.

This was not the only situation that triggered my lack of control over the universe. There have been multiple direct hits that I had zero control over. The only thing I could control was how I responded to having no control.

Like I said, usually I am more balanced. Today, I was not.

The first call was to my best friend. I totally had a meltdown—tears and snot—and wondered if the universe hated me today. All kinds of self-annihilation. The second was a text to another best friend. She was on her way to church. I was still crying from the previous meltdown. A slight plan was made.

Third, my sister texted out of the blue. You guessed it. I told her the dilemma. She said, “I am coming.” Then I cried harder. I said, “I don’t want you to put yourself out.” She said, “Do you need me?” I battled with that inside for a minute, and then I said, “Yes, emotionally, I need you.” She said, “I am on my way.”

Fourth text. A friend checking on me. “I am so sorry. WTF.” None of them had any idea how much I needed all of them, but they showed up in one way or another.

One friend held the meltdown. Another helped form a plan. My sister said, “I am coming.” Another friend checked on me without being asked.

It has been rough – emotionally, mentally, and physically. The hits kept coming, and twice this week, I went down.

By down, I mean crying. It takes a lot for me to cry now. I know how to work through things, see solutions, make choices, and keep going. Today, I could not keep going. I dead stopped and sobbed. I hurt. It hurt.

That is why I started to think maybe the universe had painted a bull’s-eye on my forehead. This is not the case, of course, but sometimes it feels that way in your life. This is why it is important to have people surrounding you who know that you matter to them. People who will help you fight dragons, not for you, but with you. The ones you cannot see. The ones you cannot control. The ones that hit you sideways. The ones that breathe fire on you, and you cannot grab your own shield quickly enough, so they use theirs to protect you until you can.

I should have a shirt that says on the front, “Will Fight Dragons With You,” and on the back, “May Also Cry While Calling the Septic Guy.” Because there are always times in life when you will need support. No matter how strong you are, no matter how much you try to control, no matter how perfect you try to be.

You need people with integrity, courage, and love. Some of these traits are built. Some are given with grace. Love shows up when you need it the most, but only if you allow it. We are all works in progress. You do not act perfectly every day.

Love is not based on what you do. It is who you are inside.

Today, my dragon was a septic system. This week, the dragon was an emotional meltdown breathing fire. When you are at your worst and are vulnerable, watch who shows up in any capacity. Everyone has their own way of showing they care. Those are your people. The ones who run or are only around when things are good – you know what category to put them in.

Not the “Will you fight dragons with me?” one.

So, $588 later, I need a new septic system, which I have known for a bit, but life happens and other things take over. This now must go to the front of the line.

Tonight, when I am sitting with my sister, polishing my sword and ironing my cape, I will be grateful for my life, my friends who are like my family, check on me, and those who will fight dragons with me. Those who love me unconditionally when I do not have every answer, when I am down on my knees, ugly crying, when I need someone, when I need and want love, when I need to be touched and hugged, and when I am human.

They are priceless, and so am I.