When Love Knows It Needs to Put the Sword Down

When we have come from relationships that leave an imprint on us, whether that be good or bad, it takes awareness to recognize it and see it within.

Sometimes that creates an auto response. I call it the “Off with their head” response. Like the Queen in Alice in Wonderland. Immediate. Quick. Reactionary.

Auto responses can come from our nervous system, old beliefs, learned behaviors or previous trauma. When you have been hurt before, you can become super sensitive to the same trigger from another person or even something similar.

It may not be the new person’s fault at all. Your inner protection may rise up quickly to defend you because something feels familiar or is taken out of context.

But sometimes something really is off, it might be intuition.

Knowing that is the tricky part.

Awareness does not mean distrusting your instincts. It means becoming curious enough to figure out what is speaking.

Is it wisdom? Fear? Protection? An old wound? Or is something actually happening that I need to pay attention to?

Recently, over the last six months, I have seen several of these patterns come up in myself. It is like I have a glaring red radar for what is not supposed to be with me or in me anymore.

Sometimes it takes a long time to see things within yourself. We can be avoidant, in denial or just plain not care about changing ourselves.

None of those are me.

Sometimes to a fault.

I call this process Digging Deep, but it needs to be balanced or it will drive you nuts looking at everything coming up. There can be a lot within us.

Today was one of those times my sword came up.

I reacted without questioning first if I should, and I made an error in judgment. But my initial hesitation was also not completely wrong based on the response I got in return.

Both things can be true.

Words that belittle, cut or demean are not good. We have all done it. I have called people dumb asses on occasion. Sometimes teasing, sometimes because I thought they did something totally ridiculous.

That is something I need to work on too. When I call someone a dumb ass, it means they did something I did not approve of or something I thought was ridiculous.

I am not sure it is my right to call them that.

Especially those I love, because I would never want to hurt them on purpose.

I can find other words to express what I am feeling instead of using ones that might cut. Everyone has the right to feel, do and say what they want. I can only control my side.

I am big on words and communication. I try with both, but I am not always perfect for sure.

I am human.

How someone responds when they are hurt, rejected or under stress can tell you a lot about them. If they use a verbal onslaught of degrading words, that might be a glaring red flag.

Accountability is huge too.

Being able to admit when you were the dumb ass, apologize for hurting someone, or acknowledge an error in judgment matters.

All of this shows character.

I am far from perfect and constantly a work in progress.

With that said, I alone am responsible for mine.

I need to watch my auto responses and see if they are appropriate for the current situation.

Is this person actually trying to hurt me?

Am I seeing other things that are making me pause?

Am I responding to what happened, or to what this reminds me of?

Have I made an automatic judgment when I should have gotten more information directly from the person?

All we can do is take accountability, apologize when necessary and observe ourselves.

Love does not remove accountability, and it does not mean another person has to accept hurtful behavior.

But hopefully, those who love us can leave a little room for us to be human, get it wrong sometimes, own it and do better.

That is when love shows up – when we are perfectly imperfect.…